Through the Gray

“In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you.”

                                                                  - Leo Tolstoy

I have never been fond of the color gray but I do understand that there is a gray that is aesthetic and pleasing that might look good on a pair of pants or on a house but there is also another gray. You might know the one I mean. The one that is dark and weighty sometimes coming in the form of brooding December clouds.

Well, today brought that kind of gray. This melancholy December day in the Northeast reminded me of what lay ahead. Winter actually inspires me but the darkness and gray that it can sometimes bring  weighs heavy on my sensitive soul.

I had been in the midst of marital and career heartache trying to nurture both turning this day’s grayness heavier than usual. My emotions were all over the place and I was heavily depressed. Today my soul ached, and I could not find beauty or curiosity in anything. Not in the knurled branches of the magnificent red oak on the end of Owen Street that always stops me in my tracks or the redtail hawk circling overhead.

The fire of emotion within consumed everything. I was irrational in thought and despair burned through my body. I had become very dysregulated. In moments like these I would normally “throw the baby out with the bathwater” derailing whatever goals I happened to be pursuing and obstructing my way forward. My emotions paralyzed  my body and mind, again. I had always fallen victim to them and could not see a way out.

Trigger had become a detested word that was almost a trigger unto itself. Triggers baffled me. Invisible firecrackers that went off in my body and mind sending both into chaos.

Gray skies were not the only trigger. People, places, thoughts, failure, rejection, or rumination could send me over the edge. My dysregulation had to change before my outlook on life took a nihilistic dive.

I had read many self-help books, listened to scores of podcasts. and read numerous blog posts about mental and emotional wellness. On and on I continued the loop. Nothing seemed to soothe or heal my mental and emotional aches.

What I had unknowingly done was to create an addiction that I was unaware of. An addiction to endlessly search and seek answers to cure my pain. I had become addicted to the dopamine hit of the chase.

The self-paved pathway in my brain was my unintentional creation. A behavior I had encouraged and grown. My new behavior relied on my constant consumption of self-help content.

This behavior did not allow me to see many of the answers that passed before me. I never seemed to be able to apply any techniques or coping strategies. “Hurt and search” became my mantra.

Today, this gray day, I stumbled onto something that was a game changer for me. Something simple and had been there all along. In the heaviness, in the breaking of my heart I stopped. I stopped and took notice.

On this walk I picked up a dried sugar maple samara and placed it in my pocket. I continued to scan for more of these winged seeds as I walked. I have a strong fondness for and curiosity about the natural world and often do this type of thing instinctually.

As I walked my hands were in my pockets. My thoughts raced and I had become overwhelmed by emotion and my inability to solve all the problems in my head. I felt the samara in my pocket.

For whatever reason I stopped walking and felt the samara in my hand. I was a bit confused at my behavior. I pulled it out of my pocket and held it up to take a look.

The curves of the wing and the veins that laced through it stood out. Then the weighty seed at the end caught my attention. It was dry and fragile and out of thousands I picked this one.

I ran my finger down the sharp edge of the wing. Scratched with my finger nail the striations on its side. I broke through the brown dead coating of the seed to reveal the green life inside.

I stared at this seed in my hand for what seemed like hours but was surely minutes. Turning it over and over dissecting it with my mind. My tempest of emotion that had previously raged had stopped.

Accidental mindfulness saved me this day. A practice I had often read about but never seemed to initiate until this day. This led to a small change in my life that has become extremely helpful in grounding me.

I now carry a small object in my pocket that can differ from day to day. If I become dysregulated I take the object out of my pocket and start observing, describing, and pondering the object in as many ways as possible. It is a practice that grounds me.

At this point I have grown tired of 7 steps for this and 5 steps for that.

I had stumbled onto the moment. The only thing we truly possess. It saved me this day and remains a constant companion.

In the midst of your struggles find a way to slow down and take notice of what is around you. Let your worries bleed away and get lost in the moment. You may find that desperate breath needed for moments when you feel like you are drowning in life.